id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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