everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
