there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
