dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
