i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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