We're facebook friends in real life
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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