And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize