And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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