life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
