Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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