today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
