i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
