You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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