We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
