I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
