Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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