i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
home. puking in laundry basket.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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