bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
