I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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