Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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