Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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