Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
