I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
