so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize