you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
