ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize