Ketchup is God's man juice
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
