we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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