then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
