I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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