The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize