I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
BRING THE BAGELS
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
