She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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