More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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