ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
