drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The Olympian is in my bed
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
