Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
