Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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