Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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