In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
party gras won. party gras always wins.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
