she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
