dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
