i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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