just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
