So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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