But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
