how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
