Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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