and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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