i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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