I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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