The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You smell like stripper and shame
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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