I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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