4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
