Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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