i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
