Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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